Ray of Sunshine

Today I drove to school, and the sun peeked through the clouds to shine directly on my car alone. (Isn't is amazing how God tells you good morning?!?)

I redeclared my Women's Studies minor, because I discovered that I only needed to take one class and it would be completed. And when I met her, the new chair of the WS Dept. asked me where I had been hiding, and it was flattering and felt good. *I do love validation from other people*

I reconciled with someone whom used to be an enemy, and got discount pizza for it. But it is not the pizza that was the selling point, even though it was quite tasty! It is a good feeling to mend what was broken, and to nullify negativity towards people.

I was given multiple opportunities today to talk about God, and my faith to people who would not generally recieve the message well, and in every instance it was listened to with open ears. I felt like he really allowed me to be a voice for him, and I was honored.

But I have pretty much been scribbling in my "Idea Book" any free second. (It is a little sketch pad that fits in my purse, and I write all my ideas for art pieces in it). I have started using one, because when I sit down to draw, paint, create, etc... I can never think of anything. So I am trying to preserve those ideas for when I need them.

I wish for you to make a friend where you have an enemy. I wish for it to be difficult, and wholly gratifying. I wish for you to see God in people, because it will be impossible not to love them. I wish for you to accept no less than your best, or less than anyone else's best for you.

I wish for you to know how deeply you are loved.
xoxo

The last day of spring break...

And I am really not excited to go back. I did manage to get my car cleaned today, which is a super mommy success. And I am going to bed with my dishes done and all Zen's clothes clean, which is always a nice feeling.

I also got the playgroup online now. http://www.myspace.com/PuebloPlayGroup
So I feel rather productive. Also, it has been confirmed that food stamps can be used to purchase vegetable plants as well as seeds. So I now have a potted peppermint plant in my window, and it is making my house smell fresh and springtimy! (I cannot wait until it gets big enough to start drying some sprigs for peppermint tea!)

I had gotten a scholarship from my church to be able to go to women's retreat this month, and JaNyce agreed to watch Zen, and all my ducks were in a row, and then I realized that one of the visiting artist seminars that I had signed up for (in order to withdraw from a class I didn't need, and still keep all of my financial aid) fell on the same weekend. So I am not able to go. But my prayer is that somehow God is able to speak to me during this seminar too, and to use me for his plans now that things have changed. And I thank God for my wonderful church, and my wonderful school. My church family has bent over backwards to allow Christ to work wonders in my life, and to enable me to have experiences that I could not without them. They are amazing people of God! http://www.templepueblo.com/

My school is filled with professors who love what they do and are passionate about art, and their students. I am in a program that is forcing me to grow, think, and eveolve. It is making me question and search for answers. It places emphasis on being well-rounded, and allows me the opportunity to learn from not only the diversity of the tenured professors, but the wide range of visiting artists. I have taken seminars/classes regarding everything from video/performance art, cob and natural homebuilding, perfume making, and the ones I am signed up for this semester are calligraphic portraits, and site art/sculpture. http://chass.colostate-pueblo.edu/art/

And all in all, the people, and events in my life are shaping me into a person, Christian, mother, artist, and human being that I am excited to be. I am grateful for God's hand in my daily life, and to see that radiating into all corners of my human experience.

Thank you Lord!

Where's my candy?!?!?

I realize quite distinctly how dependent I am on the sunshine for my mood. Not that I cannot be in a good mood without it, but that I don't have to try when it is here. Yesterday it was 72 degrees, and I took Zen (and 5 of his friends from the playgroup I started) to City Park to play on the playground. We had a picnic, and fed the geese. Then we went home, and I laid Zen down for his nap. After nap we went and flew the kite he got in his Easter basket, then went for pizza with a new friend.

I was just in a good mood, seemingly for no reason. And I realize that it is the sunshine.

Sun has always been like a symbol for God to me, even down to the fact that you can never look straight at it. Like the transcendentalist idea that God can never be understood by our human capabilities, and the sun can never be perceived by human eyes because the capabilities of the eye are not such to handle it. So when I see the sun, I always think of God, and to me, icky days feel more devoid of his presence.

So I went and bought 10 kites yesterday, so that all the kids can have one if we do a playgroup kite flying day or something. And this morning, Zen and I went out and tried to get the kites up, but we weren't blessed with the windy day we had yesterday.

Dad always used to put kites in our Easter baskets, in place of candy when he was with Dianne. I hated him for it. But now, I do it for Zen, too, and treasure it now that I am an adult. I wish I could have seen what he was trying to do, and not be so blinded by what I wanted. I suppose that God is working in a similar way, and that my reactions are still the same, though.

(With the shadow placemat)

My windowsill garden died this week. My herbs and spices grew too big for the little planter I had them in, and I have nowhere to put a bigger one. It kinda feels like a metaphor. I have this clear vision of what I want in my life, a nice outline, with pictures saved in a folder on my computer. But it seems like if I am going to get there, that it is going to be the scenic route.

I wish that things fell into place when my heart needed them as desperately as it does lately. However, I must say that whereas I am not getting everything right now, things are not running in the other direction. I am grateful for that. Like this farm for instance, it is moving slowly, but in the right direction. I just wish that I could have these assurances, promises that if I am patient, God will get them to me eventually. It is so hard running on faith.

But I remember the verse that says "If your child asks for bread, would you give him a stone?" and whereas I don't know the address for it, or even the verbatim wording, it does help bring me comfort. And I pray that God realigns my desires to match his will. And that way, I will never be disappointed. (But I worry that it is kind of a selfish way to play it)

Relinquishing the driver's seat

I wish that right now God could grant me a little more insight into his plans. For this divorce, for my career/school, and for Zen. It all feels very up-in-the-air right now, and it is hard. But I suppose that when there is nothing to grasp onto, it is God's way of teaching me to trust totally in him. It is hard. I like the idea of being in control, of knowing the route that life will take, and of having some say. This is possibly the greatest exercise of faith I have ever had to take, and I find myself wishing I could trade it off for something else. Instead of these things that are so important and consequential, if he could just take those things that seem somewhat irrelevant, if I could know what is going to happen with the big things in my life, I would feel safer. But it is all the little things, those inconsequential ones, that it seems he has left for me.

(It is just hard, being in the passenger seat all of a sudden)

Happy Easter to all!!

Almost Midnight

Zen has been acting cranky lately, really clingy and needy. Sometimes I feel bad, because I shut the door when I go to the bathroom, just to get a minute or two to try to clear my head. Then tonight, he woke up, came into my room, and vomited all over my bed.

And then about an hour later, throws up all over his own bed. (Which I don't mind as much, because it is a lot easier to wash his sheets than to haul my king-sized down comforter to the laundromat *especially when it is covered in vomit*)

So, I am in general, sleep-deprived, and concerned about him. JaNyce says he is probably just teething, and I feel 2 molars cutting, so it is possible. It just is crappy to be up all night, and it is hard on him.

But I have an alarm clock set for 7 hours from now, so I had better hit the hay.