It's a brand new week! Well, yesterday, anyway...

Last week was ridiculously hard. Zen was hospitalized Sunday through Wednesday. My ex-boyfriend and friend was killed on Monday while riding in the car with another friend who was driving drunk. I broke a chunk of my tooth off while eating. And missed 3 tests in one week.

http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_10529269

But it is a new week. A fresh start, and a chance to use last week to grow. And today, Zen wore his big boy underwear (from Auntie Joanie) all day and did not have an accident. *Things are looking up already*

Zen got a new kitten, which he named Scratchy, and the two are inseperable. (Except in the middle of the night when it decides to chew on my earlobe or lick the arches of my feet as I sleep)

And I got a letter from my school's Provost, that commended me on my "fine academic record". And got permission to graduate with 2 bachelor's degrees this Spring. *I can't wait!*

I do really need prayers right now though. I am having a hard time juggling all the facets of my life, and trying to cope with all the above situations in a way that both glorifies God, and serves as a source of stability and strength for Zen.

Chocolate Portraits

I am learning probably the biggest lesson that I will ever have to learn in my entire life right now. I am learning that I need to just let go and trust God.

I have been worrying quite a bit, because Zen's health has been on a decline again ever since Ben got visitation back. I have been trying to deal with that on my own terms, and felt that Zen should not have to go to these visits (but took him anyway) because Ben smokes around him, and allows him to be unsupervised, and do things that are blatantly dangerous. It is hard for me to see how putting my child in a position of danger would be God's will. *He must be wrong on that one, no good can come of this* But Ben has managed to not only put him in danger, but do so where I am able to have evidence of it to use in court. And the way things are going, as a result of these visits, Ben may lose all rights to see Zen permanently. (Which is what I thought was best all along) And now, looking back, the best thing I could have done was trust my knowledge (vs. my emotions) and know that even though I did not understand it in the beginning, that God was working all of this crud for good. And that without these visits, I would not have the evidence I needed to prove Ben's detriment to Zen in court.

And becasue of the choas with Ben's violation of court orders, the guardian ad litem has filed a motion to suspend Ben's visits with Zen. And chances are, I will get to go through the holiday season without having to work around having to be in Pueblo for Ben.

It is hard to trust when trusting calls for you to accept that your child doesn't belong to you, but only to God. And also that I can never keep him safe, and that only God can. And his word says he will do what's right, and I need to be okay with that.

(on another note, I have been doing some culinary inventing this afternoon, and managed to create a 5"x7" portrait of my son in chocolate. And was anxious to see how it looked. So, before it was hard, I lifted the wax paper up above my head, to see the image on the bottom, only to have it collapse. I managed to fix it (mostly) but the awesome, crisp chocolate picture of Zen is now fuzzy, but still okay. But the good news is, I have discovered a method that works. And hey, maybe I can use the concept to make some side money at birthday parties or something...)

And so, other than a slightly manageable but hectic schedule, life is good, and I am so excited for autumn!! And I will be in PA for Christmas...

Ch-ch-ch- changes!

So a lot has been going on lately, and I am sorry that I have let my posts lapse so much (seeing as how this is our primary mode of keeping up with eachother).

Anyway, I graduate this spring, with a BA in Art and a BS in Criminology (I know that one seems kindof out of left field to some of you). But in order to do that, I have pretty heavy courseloads (21 credit hours this semester, and 18 next). It is mostly the remainder of my Criminology classes, and I expect I will be just fine. But it does cramp my time quite a bit. I have my forensic medicine class on Wednesday night, so I am not able to attend the Bible study that is at my church this semester. However, I got involved with Campus Crusade and they have a weekly Bible study that does fit in my schedule, and I also started discipleship with a woman from my church, so I think I will still meet my quota. ;)

So, other than that I (and my closet) have been undergoing some pretty drastic changes. For a long time I felt really in-between, like I was no longer in a place where I could relate to teenagers, or childless people my age, and I felt that I was too young to be accepted in the little group of moms from Zen's preschool. I dresssed in a way that was not flattering (and resulted in a great detriment to my self-esteem) and was still clinging to this teenager type style. I had to pick, and I had to reevaluate who I am, and what I want to represent to the world. And it was hard, but I gave away all of my "teeenager" clothes, and the clothes that I wore before I was pregnant, and that I won't ever fit into again. I gave away things that I kept becasue I thought they were cute, but not flattering on me (and that did not make me feel pretty or confident). And I am slowly replacing my wardrobe with pants that sit slightly higher, shirts that are a bit less tight, and pieces that are pretty, and make me feel confident, and that let me shine through.

I guess I had felt that it was either dress like a teenager, or dress like an old lady. And I am starting to discover that I can dress respectably, comfortably, and in a way that honors myself and God, and still look good, and feel good about my appearance. Really this has been a very big change on the outside, but the bigger shift is definitely going on inside. God is doing so much work in me right now, and I have no idea where it is going, but I feel blessed that this evolution is happening so quickly that I can be aware of the changes that are going on. I can feel such a large emotional shift, and so much being done to evovle me into the person that I need to be in God. I am a grown-up now, and it is something that gives me a lot of joy, and I can see how recently that has been the case.

Zen is doing well, he has a attitude lately, and I don't quite know how to combat it. My weapons of choice are respect and consistency. He is sarcastic, and pretty passive-aggressive (when he is not outright screaming-agressive). And I think that I am so lucky that I have God now, becasue I can see how my reactions (before God) would have been detrimental, and I am able to be more patient, and more aware of myself, and more clear on my expectations of him. I don't think I could have survived this stage without my faith, and without God. Also, his half-brother was born on August 28, his name is Ty Lee Sprague. And just pray that I can work through my emotions regarding that to be able to behave Christian-ly in that situation. Ben and Ty's mom aren't together, and I have not heard anything positive about the state of their relationship. And I feel a lot of resentment, and frustration, and I have a lot of negative emotions toward all involved in that whole mess. I know it is not this baby's fault, and I have nothing but sympathy for him, but I have not been able to give it to God yet. For some reason, I am hanging on to this, and letting it mess with me more than it should. And that isn't good for anybody.

I love you all, but need to get back to homework!!
(I will post a recent picture here soon)
Happy Grandparents Day!!