Chocolate Portraits

I am learning probably the biggest lesson that I will ever have to learn in my entire life right now. I am learning that I need to just let go and trust God.

I have been worrying quite a bit, because Zen's health has been on a decline again ever since Ben got visitation back. I have been trying to deal with that on my own terms, and felt that Zen should not have to go to these visits (but took him anyway) because Ben smokes around him, and allows him to be unsupervised, and do things that are blatantly dangerous. It is hard for me to see how putting my child in a position of danger would be God's will. *He must be wrong on that one, no good can come of this* But Ben has managed to not only put him in danger, but do so where I am able to have evidence of it to use in court. And the way things are going, as a result of these visits, Ben may lose all rights to see Zen permanently. (Which is what I thought was best all along) And now, looking back, the best thing I could have done was trust my knowledge (vs. my emotions) and know that even though I did not understand it in the beginning, that God was working all of this crud for good. And that without these visits, I would not have the evidence I needed to prove Ben's detriment to Zen in court.

And becasue of the choas with Ben's violation of court orders, the guardian ad litem has filed a motion to suspend Ben's visits with Zen. And chances are, I will get to go through the holiday season without having to work around having to be in Pueblo for Ben.

It is hard to trust when trusting calls for you to accept that your child doesn't belong to you, but only to God. And also that I can never keep him safe, and that only God can. And his word says he will do what's right, and I need to be okay with that.

(on another note, I have been doing some culinary inventing this afternoon, and managed to create a 5"x7" portrait of my son in chocolate. And was anxious to see how it looked. So, before it was hard, I lifted the wax paper up above my head, to see the image on the bottom, only to have it collapse. I managed to fix it (mostly) but the awesome, crisp chocolate picture of Zen is now fuzzy, but still okay. But the good news is, I have discovered a method that works. And hey, maybe I can use the concept to make some side money at birthday parties or something...)

And so, other than a slightly manageable but hectic schedule, life is good, and I am so excited for autumn!! And I will be in PA for Christmas...