Early Father's Day Pictures...

June 18, 2009

To be truthful, it is very hard for me to be truthful here. I feel like I am letting all of you down. You all want so much for me, and have such high expectations, and I hate to let you know when I am not meeting them. I feel self-indulgent when I talk about it. I feel like you will think that I have had everything handed to me and wonder why I can't make it work. I feel like you will pity Zen for existing in such a scenario.

But I can't lie about it anymore. I am getting a lot of help. In fact, right now me entire household is supported by my parents. However, it is more than getting the bills paid. There are big issues here. Issues that keep me up at night.

Zen's last stay in the hospital was 8 days. For three of those days he had to be on 15 liters of oxygen. His little body never recovers to 100% and every time he has an attack, itmakes it harder for him to fight the next one. Ben has started keeping his clothes again, indicating that they are again smoking heavily around him. Last time he was in, his nurse told me that I had to do something, or this would kill him. I have nothing that I can do legally. I am having to be sneaky, I am trying to get him on unrelated criminal behavior. And it is making me a person I don't like.

I wake up lately feeling like a waste of oxygen, grateful for my caretaking duties for Zen because they justify my existence. But beyond that, I have no patience, I am not happy, and wish somtimes to just take Zen and run away. Run away where nobody canreach us, and nobody will know how bad I've messed everything up.

Sorry for the lack of post last night, you get 2 today!!

I will post again tonight as if I hadn't made up for yesterday this morning.

Video Blog June 15, 2009

When Zen was young...

Zen is getting so big so fast, and it was nice today to take a break and remember how it was when he was little...

Our Garden

This is the garden that we have on our back porch of our apartment. The video was taken on the tail end of when Zen was in the hospital so it is a couple weeks old now, but you will get the picture.

We have carrots, green beans, lettuce, peas, radishes, tomatoes, bell peppers, jalepenos, spinach, parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme, basil, cilantro, oregano,chives, leeks, green onions, and strawberries. Zen is excited, and has numerous times eaten underdeveloped produce out of sheer eagerness to see it from seeds to tummy.

Video of Zen rocking out...

He was doing this long before I snuck up on him...

Maybe tie-dyed peas??

I have never seen a pea plant with pink and purple blooms before...
(small blessings) **I wonder what the peas will taste like**

What a guy!!

It's always lucky to have Zen around if you get locked in a castle dungeon guarded by invisible bad guys!!!


We went camping in a secluded part of san Isabel forest, pretty close to Bishop's castle. It was Zen's first camping trip. We went with my friends Aaron and Lynette, and their son (Zenny's best buddy) Jonathan, and Auntie Velvet. Here are a couple pictures, I have more if you want them.