To be truthful, it is very hard for me to be truthful here. I feel like I am letting all of you down. You all want so much for me, and have such high expectations, and I hate to let you know when I am not meeting them. I feel self-indulgent when I talk about it. I feel like you will think that I have had everything handed to me and wonder why I can't make it work. I feel like you will pity Zen for existing in such a scenario.
But I can't lie about it anymore. I am getting a lot of help. In fact, right now me entire household is supported by my parents. However, it is more than getting the bills paid. There are big issues here. Issues that keep me up at night.
Zen's last stay in the hospital was 8 days. For three of those days he had to be on 15 liters of oxygen. His little body never recovers to 100% and every time he has an attack, itmakes it harder for him to fight the next one. Ben has started keeping his clothes again, indicating that they are again smoking heavily around him. Last time he was in, his nurse told me that I had to do something, or this would kill him. I have nothing that I can do legally. I am having to be sneaky, I am trying to get him on unrelated criminal behavior. And it is making me a person I don't like.
I wake up lately feeling like a waste of oxygen, grateful for my caretaking duties for Zen because they justify my existence. But beyond that, I have no patience, I am not happy, and wish somtimes to just take Zen and run away. Run away where nobody canreach us, and nobody will know how bad I've messed everything up.
1 comment:
i don't know if you already have or how helpful this will even be to you but tell the police and if they can't do anything, run. I support you heather and so will mom. You need to protect zen and i'm not trying to make you feel like more of a failure because trust me, i feel like i'm failing at life now too.
but i do think that moving enough out of reach of ben, where it's legal but too hard for him to put up with, tha tmight work, appealing to the court to have his visits supervised, do a type of nanny cam and hide one of zen's things with a camera to catch him being bad, something. but you can't wait for things to get better, they might not.
and as for the money, yes that's really hard but if you have to, start somewhere you're overqualified for and move up if you can or keep the search going while you work. at times mom was in the same situation as you, but she survived and so did her kids, because she never gave up on herself. You can do this. you're my sister, her daughter, and zen's mom. i believe in you, without pity or doubt. i trust you can do this.
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