a.k.a. Zen's Mom

2011-07-02T18:27:00.001-07:00

I know it has been a while since I have posted, and it is attributable only to my laziness. (And my distaste for technology, I suppose).

Anyway, I will, as I always do, reaffirm my resolve to post more often. And possibly, if I kept up with it more, it would feel more gratifying and less like a chore. I will try. That is all I can promise. I will assure you that it won't be every day. But at least once a week or so is the goal...

Also, instead of just, this is what I did today... I will post photos, lists, poetry, and random stuff.

And so, to start things off right (a second time) here is the top ten things I want to learn or do at some point in the next 5 years. (in no order)

1. Learn how to quilt and make 3 quilts
2. Learn the Wilton method for cake decorating
3. Learn how to sew
4. Run a 10-minute mile
5. Learn how to design and build furniture, and build an entertainment center
6. Put together and publish a family cookbook
7. Learn to knit and crochet (I already can crochet a scarf, but not well, and nothing else)
8. Start writing regularly again. Journaling and poetry
9. Learn how to do home canning, drying and fermenting to preserve food
10. Learn to make cold-process soaps

So, hopefully, in five years I won't have given up this blog, and I can look back and check all these things off my list. Granted, if I thought it was at all feasible, I would've put buying an embroidery machine on that list as well. Maybe it will happen. We never know what the future holds...

They offer classes on quilting, sewing, knitting, crocheting and cake decorating at Jo-Ann's and it is my plan to take those classes there. With regards to getting in shape, and journaling more often, it is just going to take me overcoming my inclination towards laziness. Getting the cookbook put together is just going to take time and money (time to get it all compiled, typed, uploaded and formatted. Money to get it printed). Shirley, a co-worker from Woodley's has promised to teach me soap making, but I don't know when. I may have to take a class at our extension office on food preservation, but I may be able to find a mentor to show me as well. And, I am thinking that my furniture construction may just have to be a slightly expensive process of trial and error.

All in all, those are some medium-term goals to get things back on track. Talk to you soon!

Also, I was thinking of using the writing prompts from Real Simple as well, so you may see those too...
xoxo

2010-12-23T20:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am struck with moments of sheer, indescribable clarity. It is when I give my mind space to be a peace.

Here is an amalgam of what came to me just now, and let my heart feel quietly present.

Sitting in the backyard by candle light in the evening when things are grown and filled in. The smell of the night flowers, like jasmine, in the air as fireflies dance a speckled dance. Jazzy vocal music with worldy undertones in the background. Warm night sticking to my skin. Space to be.

2010-04-12T15:38:00.000-07:00

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T17:33:00.000-08:00

I set my Valentine's Card from Jonathan to the side to eat later, only to find that Zen had written his name on it, and tried to claim the sucker as his. Ah, kids....

2010-01-31T18:52:00.000-08:00

I am sorry. I suck at updating this thing. I figure if it's okay with you guys I will just accept the fact and move on.

So, here's what is going on in life with us right now:

Zen and I are getting over being sick right now, so life at the moment is relatively calm. I no longer work at the YWCA due to differences between myself and the shelter director. I volunteer part time at the Probation Department here and am getting really good experience. That happens Wednesday through Friday 8-5. Then Tuesday and Thursday nights I am going to school for nursing. (Iknow, I know. One would think I have enough school, but they'd be wrong.) It is beyond difficult to find a job here, and with nursing I could go anywhere, and make a decent living. So, that's the plan. And as soon as I am done with that, we are out of this town. I am expecting a year and a half to two years.

I am being considered for a position as an emergency services dispatcher, and have passed the first 2 rounds or eliminations for that. So that is something I am definitely praying for. A job is very necessary at this point, as Dad and welfare are entirely supporting our household (and yet we run a $900 deficit every month).

Ben hasn't seen Zen since the 14th of June, and he has agreed to sign over his parental rights. This leaves us the ability to move wherever we want, in addition, Zen can be adopted by another party. Also, aside from a minor incident, Zen is completely off of his asthma meds (and has been for 6 months) and has not had an attack, or any problems whatsoever.

Zen is doing well, and he takes his test to get into kindergarten some time in the next month. (Because the birthday cut-off is June 1). He is most excited to ride the school bus, which stops at his daycare (and I love that). His teacher thinks he is totally ready. He can count to 20, recognize all his letters (and most of their sounds), read and write his own name, recognize all his colors and shapes, and can follow directions on homework. Plus, his vocabulary is amazing. I always hear that from people. **It does kinda make me feel pretty old though**

Right now it is a big struggle for us financially, but God had managed to get us through is somehow. And I hear from some people that the economy is turning around. So i will just keep waiting on God's timing. This has definitely been a period to learn to trust, and to be humble. And those are things that are very hard for me to do.

2009-11-22T13:07:00.000-08:00

We just got the pictures back that they took for the church directory. My little boy is growing up...

My Little Artist!!

2009-11-19T08:07:00.000-08:00

Zen drew this picture of a slug for me today. I am so proud of his artistic development. It makes an art mom proud. Today we are headed to the graphics lab at Centennial so he can continue learning how to screen print and use the light table and all that fun stuff. He always has a good time. Yesterday he even got to do the squeegee and put the paint on to what we were working on.

I can see me in him a lot when it comes to art. And I want to be careful to let art be fun and expressive for him, which means sometimes I have to back off a little bit. Instead of trying to teach him everything, I need to let him play, experiment, and learn on his own. Which is not my natural inclination.

Anyway, we are well. Looking forward to Thanksgiving. We are having a dinner Friday at our house for all of our friends, and then going up to Grandpa Crackerboy's for dinner on the actual Thanksgiving.

We love you all and hope you are doing well.

Halloween Part 1

2009-10-31T17:06:00.000-07:00

They had afternoon trick-or-treating in historic downtown. We went with our closest family friends. Tonight we are planning on trick-or-treating around Pueblo West. New update probably tomorrow...

I'm a slacker...

2009-10-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

I am sorry that it has been so long since my last post. I will try to do better at keeping you guys abreast of the activities of our lives. So, until I get home and can post pictures, here are a couple Zen-sayings to keep you entertained:

"Mom, when are you going to get over this brush-your-teeth concept? It's like EVERY DAY!"

"I don't need to sleep in my own bed, because only I know how to fight the monsters when you get scared."

"I love you Mom, you are my bestest mom in our whole world!" "Thank you Zen! You are the best son in the whole world!" "I know."

"I love you Mom but Halloween is way more importanter than your birthday, so we can do it another time"

(Directed at the cashier at Hollywood Video, in reference to a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie he picked out) "They are my girlfriends. Both of them. I'm big so I get 2."

I don't know that's all I can remember for now. Recent posts and pictures coming. Love you all!!!

Farmer's Festival and the Haunted Windchimes

2009-07-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

2009-06-27T20:01:00.000-07:00

2009-06-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

Early Father's Day Pictures...

2009-06-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

June 18, 2009

2009-06-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

To be truthful, it is very hard for me to be truthful here. I feel like I am letting all of you down. You all want so much for me, and have such high expectations, and I hate to let you know when I am not meeting them. I feel self-indulgent when I talk about it. I feel like you will think that I have had everything handed to me and wonder why I can't make it work. I feel like you will pity Zen for existing in such a scenario.

But I can't lie about it anymore. I am getting a lot of help. In fact, right now me entire household is supported by my parents. However, it is more than getting the bills paid. There are big issues here. Issues that keep me up at night.

Zen's last stay in the hospital was 8 days. For three of those days he had to be on 15 liters of oxygen. His little body never recovers to 100% and every time he has an attack, itmakes it harder for him to fight the next one. Ben has started keeping his clothes again, indicating that they are again smoking heavily around him. Last time he was in, his nurse told me that I had to do something, or this would kill him. I have nothing that I can do legally. I am having to be sneaky, I am trying to get him on unrelated criminal behavior. And it is making me a person I don't like.

I wake up lately feeling like a waste of oxygen, grateful for my caretaking duties for Zen because they justify my existence. But beyond that, I have no patience, I am not happy, and wish somtimes to just take Zen and run away. Run away where nobody canreach us, and nobody will know how bad I've messed everything up.

2009-06-17T20:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of post last night, you get 2 today!!

2009-06-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

I will post again tonight as if I hadn't made up for yesterday this morning.

Video Blog June 15, 2009

2009-06-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

2009-06-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

When Zen was young...

2009-06-15T17:29:00.000-07:00

Zen is getting so big so fast, and it was nice today to take a break and remember how it was when he was little...

Our Garden

2009-06-09T23:48:00.000-07:00

This is the garden that we have on our back porch of our apartment. The video was taken on the tail end of when Zen was in the hospital so it is a couple weeks old now, but you will get the picture.

We have carrots, green beans, lettuce, peas, radishes, tomatoes, bell peppers, jalepenos, spinach, parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme, basil, cilantro, oregano,chives, leeks, green onions, and strawberries. Zen is excited, and has numerous times eaten underdeveloped produce out of sheer eagerness to see it from seeds to tummy.

Video of Zen rocking out...

2009-06-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

He was doing this long before I snuck up on him...

Maybe tie-dyed peas??

2009-06-09T14:04:00.000-07:00

I have never seen a pea plant with pink and purple blooms before...
(small blessings) **I wonder what the peas will taste like**

What a guy!!

2009-06-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

It's always lucky to have Zen around if you get locked in a castle dungeon guarded by invisible bad guys!!!

We went camping in a secluded part of san Isabel forest, pretty close to Bishop's castle. It was Zen's first camping trip. We went with my friends Aaron and Lynette, and their son (Zenny's best buddy) Jonathan, and Auntie Velvet. Here are a couple pictures, I have more if you want them.

for a minute...

2009-04-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lapse in blog posts, or returned phone calls. I am alive (although barely), and will resume the intrinsic tasks related to being alive soon.

It is finals week, in addition to being the week before graduation. School, homework, and working are dominating my time, (poor Zenny) but I miss you all.

Any time you have to pray would be much appreciated. I just did pretty poorly on an 8am final today. I went to sleep around 2am after trying to get my papers done, and intended to get up at 5 to study. However, my alarm didn't go off. The rest is history.

I love you all, and cannot wait to be done!!

I hope my boyfriend don't mind it...

2009-03-03T17:06:00.000-08:00

So, 2 new jobs, school, and Zen... so in lieu of a real entry I will leave you instead with some webcam fascination... xoxo

Random silliness

2009-02-05T06:50:00.000-08:00

(Scene takes place while driving home from Awanas)
Zen: "Hey Mom, push the present button."
Me: "Push the what?"
Zen: "The birthday present button. The button on the car that gives you a birthday present."
Me: "Sweetie, I am sorry, but our car doesn't have a birthday present button."
Zen: "I can see it, Mom! Please push the present button."
Me: "Honey, there is NO present button in our car."
Zen: "Can you push the painting button then?"

>

Dinosaur muffins for breakfast, a field trip to go rollerskating with school, and being silly waiting to pick Auntie Velvet up from school. It was a good day yesterday...

Reason Number 10 Million Why It Needs To Be April

2009-02-02T15:15:00.000-08:00

I NEED MY KITCHEN BACK!!!
Granted I love waking up to my new baby plants every morning, but if I could do that AND make breakfast it would be divine! I am getting the other planters in here soon, and will have the place for them to go. The weather is getting warmer, and you can feel the change in the air (and see it in local garden centers).

Zen gets excited to show people our garden and to count all the new sprouts for them, and tell them what they are. We are going to have tomatoes, lettuce, peppers, spinach, carrots, radishes, grean beans, sugar snap peas, strawberries, herbs, and various flowers. I am thinking about throwing some vine-growing berries in the planter with the lattice, too. I am excited for the amount of savings on fresh produce that we'll see come this summer. Zen is excited to grow things in our garden, and to use his Happy Farm garden set.

Don't get me wrong, warmer weather in and of itself is welcome, but to have that part of my home settled in is going to be nice.

Our home

2009-01-25T13:38:00.000-08:00

This is mostly for Mom, but if any of you are interested, here are some pictures of my house. We just got one of the 3 planters installed on our back porch to ready ourselves for the coming of Spring (and planting season). We did end up getting a new couch, dining table, click-clack, and coffee table, and a really decent quantity discount on all of them (We ended up spending as much for all of them as the price of the table originally. Combined with member discounts and coupons). So my house is really a place that feels like home now. So, for all of you that are not in a place to be able to come visit me, here's the photo tour...

I will put some up of everyone's bedrooms later this week (hopefully). The uploader would only let me put up 5 on one post. So I decided to stick with the common (which means cleaner) areas of the house. I love it though, because this home has hit that critical point where it feels all of a sudden like your own home, and where you are at peace there. I mean, I am sure I will add and change things consistently, but without Ben, and now having more furniture that i have chosen than hand-me-downs, and my things being kept nice, it is finally feeling like my own home. And that is so refreshing!!

Surprise!! It's the 80's!!

2009-01-15T07:17:00.000-08:00

So, last Sunday I threw a surprise birthday party for one of my best friends. It turned out pretty awesome actually. We had a good crowd, and people had a good time.

However, 3 washes later, I still have crimps in parts of my hair.

And I started school this Monday, and I think I am going to like the calm of this semester. I am glad to be graduating, but could use prayers for the job hunt, though.
I am sure I will be fine. Zen is back in school too, and started Awanas last Wednesday. He is doing well, and remembering his verses. He tells me every time we get in the car, and it melts my heart.

It is starting to warm up here (with the exception of the fog right now), and I feel generally good. My house is clean and beautiful, and I am ready to start this season's plantings already. We are going to have a sizable (for an apartment) vegetable and flower garden, and I cannot wait...

I miss you all, but for the first time in a long time, I am happy in my home and in my life. Maybe, Joanie and Brian and Mom should all win their respective lottos and come visit me...

I love you guys!!

2008-12-18T09:49:00.000-08:00

So, the trash is out, the dishes are done. All the things that were in the washer are now in the dryer. The fridge and freezer have been cleaned out and prepared for us to be gone for 2 weeks. We are packed. The house isn't clean, but it is not horribly messy.

Now, I am ready to go, and be gone from here for a while. Zen is excited. He keeps "calling" his little friends on his phone making sure they have their shoes on to go to Bennsylbania. I guess, for some reason, staying home cleaning all day really doesn't feel like much of a vacation. When we aren't here much, the house stays relatively clean. But when I am not in school (which is a culture shock anyway) it feels like I have to follow him around picking up crumbs and toys that seem to slough off of his skin.

Don't get me wrong, I love my house, and I love being in my house. But I haven't really left it in 4 days. I have the mommy version of cabin fever. It is otherwise known as I-love-you-now-get-out-of-my-face-and-go-watch-TV-for-a-while syndrome.

Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, Grandma...
We will see you soon!!!

All-most the-e-e-re

2008-12-11T10:53:00.000-08:00

We are halfway through finals week...

I can't wait to get on that plane in about a week! I am ready for a break, and someone else to watch my child (for reasons other than my going to school). I can't wait to see my family again...

And I cannot wait to graduate, get a job, and have some semblance of a normal life. School is far too time-consuming and hectic. Don't get me wrong, I do want to do grad school, but I just need a break for a while. *A break with a paycheck that is*

One more semester... "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."

I love you all, and Christmas can't come soon enough!
xoxo

The Play!

2008-11-20T21:07:00.000-08:00

Tonight Zen got to go see his first play. His "Auntie" Velvet (this girl who stays with us on the weekends) was in her school play (7th grade) and we got to go see her perform today. Zen was so excited to see her walk onto the stage! It was fun, although he didn't last the whole performance.

I only have 6 papers to write before I can be DONE with the semester!! (Needless to say, I will be quite busy for the next 2 weeks!!) But I will let you all know how it works out...

xoxo

I know I should be writing this all down...

2008-11-14T08:30:00.000-08:00

So, if you lived at our house during the last week or so, here are some things you may have overheard:

"Look Mommy, somebody fixed the moon!!" (Once he noticed that it was a full moon, instead of those broken ones)

"It smells like too much sugar" (when test-smelling a new candy cane Oreo. It's too dangerous to just bite in and see.)

"I look like a- dorable" (I think this is him parroting someone about to say he looks like a dork, but having changed their mind. He says it with that pause every time.)

"That cracks me up!" (Followed my falling to the ground and punding his fists on the floor while laughing very dramatically. This is how he expresses that something is funny.)

"You freaked me out" (This is one of his favorites.) "You're not running" (See an earlier blog about the snowboots day)

"I just picked my plate up and syrup spilled over the whole floor. Mom is so disappointing in me." (On the phone with Grandma Debbie)

"Auntie Joanie is my sister." "No, Zen, she's my sister. Auntie Joanie is your Auntie" "If God's is both our dads then she's my sister a little bit." (Okay, point taken. I just hope he doesn't tell the condensed version to anyone at daycare or the store or something.)

"I am so sick of this" (Ususally used if a toy is out of batteries, or his bread on his sandwich start to go different directions)

I don't remember the exact words he said, but I was telling him to put his pull-up (for sleeping) on, and he said something about he wants big boy underwear on his treasure chest. I said "What??" and he said its a booty, and a booty is a treasure chest and a butt.

*And the funniest thign that he thinks he can possibly say is quoted directly from the movie Toy Story. "Look it's the real Buzz Lightyear!" at which point he cracks up. (I tried to get it on video this morning, but it was significantly tamer than the usual hysterics)

This is all I can remember for now. I will ponder it for the rest of the day, and add anything else that comes back to me.

Got 3 minutes and 10 seconds into the movie to see what he is talking about.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Th9X66t5UpI

Christmas Lists

2008-11-11T10:15:00.000-08:00

I realize that where we are going for Christmas is with those of you whom, sadly, we don't see or talk to very often. I realize that this can cause some problems with gift-giving (especially because kids could care less about gift cards). So I am posting a list of good (and inexpensive) present ideas, and would love it, if you guys would do the same for you and your kiddos! *Someone please get back to me about ideas for Becca and Jack*

So for Zen:
Warm winter socks (size 9 shoe)
Pete's Dragon (the movie)
Movies (preferably ones that I could stand to watch with him)
Dinosaur or Animal Bedding for his toddler-size bed
Age-appropriate board (or non-board) games (We now have Candyland and Chutes and Ladders)
Anything dealing with nature: Animals, dinosaurs, or little kid indoor gardening things.
Things that allow him to be active indoors (we don't have a yard)
Framed pictures of family to dispay in his room.

*He likes Diego, Backyardigans, and Wubbzy. His favorite movies lately have been Wall-e, and Journey to the center of the Earth. His clothes size is 3T, shoes are 9*

If you want to do gift cards for him, the best places are Target, Wal*Mart, Amazon.com, or a Discovery Channel online store.

I love you all dearly, but please no art supplies (look who his mom is), no toys with a million small pieces or breakables, or weapon toys. Anything else should be fine!

***Also, we would both LOVE any handmade presents, drawings, etc... from you guys and your kids. I think it would be awesome if someone could make a DVD about our family for Zen to have, or even just get me videos of you and your family so I could make him one myself. I would love to have more of you guys around my home***

For me: *I am trying to transition to being at home more often. I am always on the go, and so the big thing for me right now, is building a collection of things that give me something to entertain myself with at home.*

DVDs of Frida or Kissing Jessica Stein
Coffee Table books on Christianity/Religion, Art, Crime, Travel, Fashion, Homekeeping/Domesticity, Pop Culture, etc...
Cookbooks, especially foreign/ethnic (i.e. Indian, Chinese, Mexican, Italian)
Board Games for grown-ups (I only have Life and Monopoly. I would love Scattergories, Trivial Pursuit, etc...)
Really strong candles or Yankee Candle scentstories discs (epecially holiday ones)
*I am still into Titanic, so any books or small things like that would be welcome*
Magazine Subscriptions to National Geographic, Cookie, Real Simple, Woman's Day
I have no jewelry or accessories, so even inexpensive, fake jewelry would be great. (All I've got are plastic pearls that came in a goodie bag from one of Zen's girlfriend's birthday parties, and some earring's mom bought last time we were in PA)
There's a website that makes things based on historic art artifacts and it has a section for under $25 that is pretty decent. I would love ANYTHING from this entire site, especially art, Titanic and fossil stuff... the web address is
http://museumstorecompany.com/shop_by_price.php?range=0&osCsid=6d995870bb72c303112c1a6f1c9c324e

Gift cards for Target, Kohls, Bed Bath and Beyond, Amazon.com, and Yankee Candle Company (online), Barnes and Noble, Famous Footwear, BigLots!, or Cost Plus World Market

*And I have plenty of bath stuff, and art supplies. And I am shaped differently (since Zen) and it is hard to find clothes that fit right, so please don't get any of those.*

So please (PLEASE!) let me know what you guys (and your kiddos, if applicable) want for Christmas!! I may elect to get something else, but I would like to know anyway. I love you very much!!!

Sorry it has been so long!!

2008-11-07T16:37:00.001-08:00

So, Halloween went well, Me, Dad, and Grandpa Dave took Zen trick-or-treating, while Aunt Kelly stayed home to hand out candy. We haven't really done anything for my birthday yet (with the exception of buying a small birthday cake from Wal-Mart after dropping Zen off for daycare, and consuming the entire confection by myself for breakfast).

On Tuesday, he was adamant about wearing snow boots to school. I gave up and conceded. It didn't seem to matter that it hasn't snowed yet. After school we went to Wal-Mart to pick up stuff for dinner. I looked at his boots and sighed. I told him "You know it's not snowing" he looks up at me and says "You are wearing running shoes" I reply "So?" and he reminds me "You're not running". I had no reply. That would be what my kid would say...

School is going kinda rough, and it looks as if I may graduate a hair shy of honors. I am praying for peace with that. I just feel like I am busting my butt, and that all the other parts of my life are taking all but the minimum away from school.

Prayer Requests:
That God will continue to provide for us financially (even if it continues to be at the last minute)
For school, it takes so much from me and it is really disheartening to be doing not as well this semester.
For patience with Zen. He is smart, and adept at driving me crazy.

It's a brand new week! Well, yesterday, anyway...

2008-09-30T20:52:00.001-07:00

Last week was ridiculously hard. Zen was hospitalized Sunday through Wednesday. My ex-boyfriend and friend was killed on Monday while riding in the car with another friend who was driving drunk. I broke a chunk of my tooth off while eating. And missed 3 tests in one week.

http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_10529269

But it is a new week. A fresh start, and a chance to use last week to grow. And today, Zen wore his big boy underwear (from Auntie Joanie) all day and did not have an accident. *Things are looking up already*

Zen got a new kitten, which he named Scratchy, and the two are inseperable. (Except in the middle of the night when it decides to chew on my earlobe or lick the arches of my feet as I sleep)

And I got a letter from my school's Provost, that commended me on my "fine academic record". And got permission to graduate with 2 bachelor's degrees this Spring. *I can't wait!*

I do really need prayers right now though. I am having a hard time juggling all the facets of my life, and trying to cope with all the above situations in a way that both glorifies God, and serves as a source of stability and strength for Zen.

Chocolate Portraits

2008-09-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

I am learning probably the biggest lesson that I will ever have to learn in my entire life right now. I am learning that I need to just let go and trust God.

I have been worrying quite a bit, because Zen's health has been on a decline again ever since Ben got visitation back. I have been trying to deal with that on my own terms, and felt that Zen should not have to go to these visits (but took him anyway) because Ben smokes around him, and allows him to be unsupervised, and do things that are blatantly dangerous. It is hard for me to see how putting my child in a position of danger would be God's will. *He must be wrong on that one, no good can come of this* But Ben has managed to not only put him in danger, but do so where I am able to have evidence of it to use in court. And the way things are going, as a result of these visits, Ben may lose all rights to see Zen permanently. (Which is what I thought was best all along) And now, looking back, the best thing I could have done was trust my knowledge (vs. my emotions) and know that even though I did not understand it in the beginning, that God was working all of this crud for good. And that without these visits, I would not have the evidence I needed to prove Ben's detriment to Zen in court.

And becasue of the choas with Ben's violation of court orders, the guardian ad litem has filed a motion to suspend Ben's visits with Zen. And chances are, I will get to go through the holiday season without having to work around having to be in Pueblo for Ben.

It is hard to trust when trusting calls for you to accept that your child doesn't belong to you, but only to God. And also that I can never keep him safe, and that only God can. And his word says he will do what's right, and I need to be okay with that.

(on another note, I have been doing some culinary inventing this afternoon, and managed to create a 5"x7" portrait of my son in chocolate. And was anxious to see how it looked. So, before it was hard, I lifted the wax paper up above my head, to see the image on the bottom, only to have it collapse. I managed to fix it (mostly) but the awesome, crisp chocolate picture of Zen is now fuzzy, but still okay. But the good news is, I have discovered a method that works. And hey, maybe I can use the concept to make some side money at birthday parties or something...)

And so, other than a slightly manageable but hectic schedule, life is good, and I am so excited for autumn!! And I will be in PA for Christmas...

Ch-ch-ch- changes!

2008-09-07T17:15:00.000-07:00

So a lot has been going on lately, and I am sorry that I have let my posts lapse so much (seeing as how this is our primary mode of keeping up with eachother).

Anyway, I graduate this spring, with a BA in Art and a BS in Criminology (I know that one seems kindof out of left field to some of you). But in order to do that, I have pretty heavy courseloads (21 credit hours this semester, and 18 next). It is mostly the remainder of my Criminology classes, and I expect I will be just fine. But it does cramp my time quite a bit. I have my forensic medicine class on Wednesday night, so I am not able to attend the Bible study that is at my church this semester. However, I got involved with Campus Crusade and they have a weekly Bible study that does fit in my schedule, and I also started discipleship with a woman from my church, so I think I will still meet my quota. ;)

So, other than that I (and my closet) have been undergoing some pretty drastic changes. For a long time I felt really in-between, like I was no longer in a place where I could relate to teenagers, or childless people my age, and I felt that I was too young to be accepted in the little group of moms from Zen's preschool. I dresssed in a way that was not flattering (and resulted in a great detriment to my self-esteem) and was still clinging to this teenager type style. I had to pick, and I had to reevaluate who I am, and what I want to represent to the world. And it was hard, but I gave away all of my "teeenager" clothes, and the clothes that I wore before I was pregnant, and that I won't ever fit into again. I gave away things that I kept becasue I thought they were cute, but not flattering on me (and that did not make me feel pretty or confident). And I am slowly replacing my wardrobe with pants that sit slightly higher, shirts that are a bit less tight, and pieces that are pretty, and make me feel confident, and that let me shine through.

I guess I had felt that it was either dress like a teenager, or dress like an old lady. And I am starting to discover that I can dress respectably, comfortably, and in a way that honors myself and God, and still look good, and feel good about my appearance. Really this has been a very big change on the outside, but the bigger shift is definitely going on inside. God is doing so much work in me right now, and I have no idea where it is going, but I feel blessed that this evolution is happening so quickly that I can be aware of the changes that are going on. I can feel such a large emotional shift, and so much being done to evovle me into the person that I need to be in God. I am a grown-up now, and it is something that gives me a lot of joy, and I can see how recently that has been the case.

Zen is doing well, he has a attitude lately, and I don't quite know how to combat it. My weapons of choice are respect and consistency. He is sarcastic, and pretty passive-aggressive (when he is not outright screaming-agressive). And I think that I am so lucky that I have God now, becasue I can see how my reactions (before God) would have been detrimental, and I am able to be more patient, and more aware of myself, and more clear on my expectations of him. I don't think I could have survived this stage without my faith, and without God. Also, his half-brother was born on August 28, his name is Ty Lee Sprague. And just pray that I can work through my emotions regarding that to be able to behave Christian-ly in that situation. Ben and Ty's mom aren't together, and I have not heard anything positive about the state of their relationship. And I feel a lot of resentment, and frustration, and I have a lot of negative emotions toward all involved in that whole mess. I know it is not this baby's fault, and I have nothing but sympathy for him, but I have not been able to give it to God yet. For some reason, I am hanging on to this, and letting it mess with me more than it should. And that isn't good for anybody.

I love you all, but need to get back to homework!!
(I will post a recent picture here soon)
Happy Grandparents Day!!

Zoo!!

2008-08-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

So, my friend Cheyenne took Zen and I (and her son Jayson, and Velvet) to the zoo today. And I had so much fun answering questions about why God made turtles to be in water but not people... And seeing the animals...and spending time outside with people we love...

I just felt really at home in myself, and in my world today.

We did have a few middle-name-incidents, but at the end of the day, I feel really refreshed. I don't feel tired, or worn out. I think sometimes I tend to bottle myself into my routines. Hanging out at home, or at whatever store fits my mood. I think I need to make more of an effort to become more involved in my environment, in a way that glorifies God (like marveling at his creation). I just feel kinda trapped sometimes though. Like there really aren't things here to do. We don't have museums, planetariums, or even a decent nature center. I feel out of ideas most of the time.

So, when things come along like this, where I am able to go out, and simply BE with my child, I feel really grateful. And when I get the chance to teach him things, and to watch him learn and explore, I feel content in a way that I rarely ever do.

Ahhh...

2008-07-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is due to have a baby here soon, and as a present for her baby shower, I elected to offer her pregnancy-tummy portraits. I am doing it in 2 sessions, first one here in various locales of Pueblo, and next week I will be going to her home (she is having a home birth).

It was really refreshing to see the way that her and her fiancee interacted. There was so much love, and mutual respect. And it may sound weird, but it was not the flimsy love that makes you act like an idiot. It was this strong, deep love. It was sensible, yet passionate. And I realized that I have never had that before.

I have spent so much building on these foundations (or men) of sand, and realize that I need a stronger foundation than that. Stronger than just blinding ignorant passion. I want someone who will be a life parnter, a source of strength, and someone who is just a Godly man. I want, not to be dominated, but for a man to love God, himself, me, and Zen enough to be the spiritual leader. The emotional strongpost in God. I don't want to be the one who has to baby my partner.

And it was so refreshing to see that today. I saw a Godly Christian man, who was loving, and excited for his new child. And who made Kelli look radiant, because I knew she felt it.

I like to move it, move it...

2008-07-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

My son has been entertaining me the last few days with random songs (that we don't listen to at home) on our trips home from daycare. Tuesday, out of nowhere, he starts singing "I like to move it move it" I snap around and say "What are you singing?" he continues... "I like to MOVE IT". He continued his song while I got Grandma Debbie on speakerphone, but as soon as Auntie Sara started singing, the song abruptly ended, and he shouts to the phone "What are you talking about???"

Today I was serenaded with "Sweet home like a bama".

I think, (despite as frustrating as it gets for a 2-year-old to knock on the ceiling and sing "Knock three on the seal if you want meeeeee..." everytime I am trying to buckle him into his carseat) that I may need to switch up his music a little more.

Apparently Christian Children's songs aren't fun enough to sing in the car (let us not forget the exception "Opializa my Heart"), and so I am considering putting an oldies station into my pre-programmed buttons.

**As the mother of a kid who talks to old people at Cracker Barrel about Johnny Cash (complete with musical interspersings), I figured, I done messed this kid up already, I may as well do it right**

So, i am going to burn a CD for the car, with the classics that every non-traditional toddler should know (and botch the lyrics to). It will include songs from Come On Eileen to the Remedy (by Jason Mraz) to Shine (by the Newsboys)...and it will be fun!! I am open to other suggestions...

~Side note~ The first song he ever used to sing consistently was the line "and I don't even know why". Seriously, over and over, and over. That is all he would sing. About a year after he decided to start changing it up, I am alone on my way to school, and "Blister in the Sun" by the Violent Femmes comes on the radio, and then I hear it...

"...I stain my sheets, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY...". I used to listen to that song when we lived in Denver, and he used to bounce around in his carseat trying to dance. But we haven't listened to that song since before he could talk, but that was the line that came out of his mouth (for months)... *yes, I still get embarassed about it, because it really is not a G-rated song*

Grrr! I am the ring bear!!

2008-06-28T19:33:00.000-07:00

We are in our new house, and it is quite lovely. School is going exceptionally well. Zen is in good health, and things are calming themselves down into a beautiful routine...

Zen was the "Ring Bear" in Zach and Hannah's wedding this afternoon, and was a source of entertainment for all who were watching. (He kept picking up the flower petals for the flower girl, and trying to tell Hannah he liked her dress during the most solemn parts of the ceremony.) I suppose it is unreasonable to expect that anyone should get more attention than he does...

(I will post pictures soon)

Days Inn

2008-06-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry for leaving you all hanging for so long. Right now, Zen and I are residents of the Pueblo Days Inn. We move into our new apartment tomorrow, but it has been a crazy, stressful, dramatic month. I am anxious for us to get into OUR home with OUR things, OUR favorite foods in the fridge, and most of all OUR routines.

It is hard to imagine how hard it is for toddlers to adapt to change, and I feel so badly that mine has had to adapt to so much.

He has moved out of his home, all his toys, his bed, (every single thing he owns, except for his clothes) are in storage. He has started a new daycare. He has moved in with friends of ours. He has been sick and had to stay in the hospital. He has been in daycare from 630am to 1130pm about 7 days a week, when I got a new job. He has had to deal with a mommy who lost a job. He has had to deal with finals week, no money, an increase in his daily medications to 5 prescriptions (some multiple times a day). Then, out of nowhere, had to move out of the home we improvised with friends, and stay on a new friend's couch. Now we are staying in a hotel waiting for a home.

Pray for him, he isn't eating really well, and is clingy and grumpy, and having a hard time behaving. I know this is hard for him, and he could use some love, and a lot of GOD...

Lessons learn(ing): wisdom in progress...

2008-05-02T22:38:00.000-07:00

A few things that I am beginning to realize:

~feeding my kid PBJs more than once a week does not mean he is neglected.
~sometimes if you spend all day getting through the next 5 minutes, you still manage to get through the entire day.
~Just because a situation is not ideal, does not mean it is detrimental. Because there is a living situation out there that would suit me better, does not mean that it is God's plan for me to have it tomorrow.
~Good daycare providers are really a tremendous blessing.
~And I think the biggest is: That even if the life we have right now kinda sucks, I am at least actively moving towards one that does not suck. I will not be poor, tired, and unfulfilled forever. It is this that keeps me going sometimes.
~People will let you down. Always. They are not perfect, nor do they intentionally disappont us. And I am learning, that the only way my hopes and dreams will be safe, is to put them in God, who will never fail me.
~Some people (or families) will never change. There will be no great revelation, or moment of insight. There will be no situation too desperate to remain in their lifestyle. There will never be anybody about whom they care enough to get out of where they are. People don't change themselves. God changes people, and that it is not rational to expect things from people who run from God. They will never back you up, or take care of anyone else. (refer to last one, I guess)
~I will never be a perfect parent. I will always misstep and mess up, but that this is one case where doing your absolute best is good enough. And that the closest I can come to being a perfect parent is to live closely in God's Word, shower him in God's Love, and surround him with Godly role models (including being one myself), ... and they pray fervently that it works...

xoxo

...sigh, melt into puddle, wake up, repeat...

2008-04-25T23:26:00.000-07:00

So I am now a cashier working full-time at the Wal*Mart out here in Pueblo West, and still going to school full-time (18 credits this summer) so forgive me if I cannot update this (or my myspace) as often. **I will be graduating next Spring.**

I couldn't enroll Zen in the McClelland school this year, because he is not yet potty trained. So I have to wait for my low-income daycare to get re-approved now that I am working. So he bounces around between members of my church and their teenage children while I am working or in class.

Yeah, I am pretty tired, and pretty stressed out, but I do feel like I am being a better parent to Zen. I know that I don't get to see him very much, but that is temporary, and I feel like I am setting myself up to be more present in the future. I am just trying to keep food in the house, and pull-ups on his butt. And that is about all I can do right now.

So, pray for me (and for him) this isn't really an easy patch for us. I love you all!!

What I have been working on all day...

2008-04-07T21:32:00.000-07:00

Check out this video: Intro for Self Portrait Video

Add to My Profile | More Videos

and the reason I realize what a shortage of pictures I have of all of you...
(If you have access to a video capturing device and a way to send me the file. Please make a video of yourself, or your kids, finishing the sentence "I think you are..." about me, and you can be included in the final DVD and I will send you one as a thank you)

Favor!!

2008-04-07T14:58:00.000-07:00

(Mom already did this, so she is excluded.) But could everyone send me pictures that you may have of me, you, and our family. I have very few pictures of all of us (none from the vacation in PA before Zen was born) and even fewer of my nieces and nephews. Email me anything you have. I want to be able to show Zen pictures of his family.

Thank you!!

(Sara and Jessica: I know you guys have good ones, so you especially had better get on it)

Things to pray about...

2008-04-04T13:53:00.000-07:00

I was told about another apartment complex out here in Pueblo West that has a sliding-scale rent, that is based on your income. I went and talked to them, and they said that they have 2 3-bedroom, 2-bath units for $407 a month (I am paying $495), and that I only pay gas and electric. Also there is a utility cap, so I will never pay more than $82 for both. (I pay $102/mo for jst my electric here) They have w/d hookups, and new dishwashers in every unit. (I pay $60/mo to do it all at the laundromat, and I hate having to do all the dishes by hand). And they are larger, have storage areas, a playground on site, and just are nicer in general. The management seems very nice, interested, and helpful. It just seems like I would be much better off. Zen would have a place to run around, I would have a private patio for our garden. And we would have more space. However, my lease is not up until November 30th. So I am asking for prayers that God give me some clarity with regard to what he wants me to do. I need to decide whether to break my lease here (which I don't like the idea of doing, because it is largely inconsiderate) and move into the others, or to serve out the term of my lease and see if they have any availabilities at that point. Any Bible verses that apply are more than welcome.

Prayers of praise and thanks for my new car. I got a good deal on a Mercury Villager, with a warranty, and less mileage than my PT Cruiser. And it is definitely an answer to prayer. I love it, and will get pctures up soon.

Prayers for Sara's health, and Jessica's religous issues.

Prayers for whatever is supposed to happen with this farm to happen according to God's time. And for God to grant me the serenity to accept it as it comes and not to try to push things faster than they are supposed to go.

Zen's asthma has been acting up again, and he was diagnosed with pneumonia a few days ago, so please pray for a resolution to his health issues, or for a better treatment plan to keep him from having to be constantly hospitalized.

Ray of Sunshine

2008-03-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today I drove to school, and the sun peeked through the clouds to shine directly on my car alone. (Isn't is amazing how God tells you good morning?!?)

I redeclared my Women's Studies minor, because I discovered that I only needed to take one class and it would be completed. And when I met her, the new chair of the WS Dept. asked me where I had been hiding, and it was flattering and felt good. *I do love validation from other people*

I reconciled with someone whom used to be an enemy, and got discount pizza for it. But it is not the pizza that was the selling point, even though it was quite tasty! It is a good feeling to mend what was broken, and to nullify negativity towards people.

I was given multiple opportunities today to talk about God, and my faith to people who would not generally recieve the message well, and in every instance it was listened to with open ears. I felt like he really allowed me to be a voice for him, and I was honored.

But I have pretty much been scribbling in my "Idea Book" any free second. (It is a little sketch pad that fits in my purse, and I write all my ideas for art pieces in it). I have started using one, because when I sit down to draw, paint, create, etc... I can never think of anything. So I am trying to preserve those ideas for when I need them.

I wish for you to make a friend where you have an enemy. I wish for it to be difficult, and wholly gratifying. I wish for you to see God in people, because it will be impossible not to love them. I wish for you to accept no less than your best, or less than anyone else's best for you.

I wish for you to know how deeply you are loved.
xoxo

The last day of spring break...

2008-03-30T21:26:00.001-07:00

And I am really not excited to go back. I did manage to get my car cleaned today, which is a super mommy success. And I am going to bed with my dishes done and all Zen's clothes clean, which is always a nice feeling.

I also got the playgroup online now. http://www.myspace.com/PuebloPlayGroup
So I feel rather productive. Also, it has been confirmed that food stamps can be used to purchase vegetable plants as well as seeds. So I now have a potted peppermint plant in my window, and it is making my house smell fresh and springtimy! (I cannot wait until it gets big enough to start drying some sprigs for peppermint tea!)

I had gotten a scholarship from my church to be able to go to women's retreat this month, and JaNyce agreed to watch Zen, and all my ducks were in a row, and then I realized that one of the visiting artist seminars that I had signed up for (in order to withdraw from a class I didn't need, and still keep all of my financial aid) fell on the same weekend. So I am not able to go. But my prayer is that somehow God is able to speak to me during this seminar too, and to use me for his plans now that things have changed. And I thank God for my wonderful church, and my wonderful school. My church family has bent over backwards to allow Christ to work wonders in my life, and to enable me to have experiences that I could not without them. They are amazing people of God! http://www.templepueblo.com/

My school is filled with professors who love what they do and are passionate about art, and their students. I am in a program that is forcing me to grow, think, and eveolve. It is making me question and search for answers. It places emphasis on being well-rounded, and allows me the opportunity to learn from not only the diversity of the tenured professors, but the wide range of visiting artists. I have taken seminars/classes regarding everything from video/performance art, cob and natural homebuilding, perfume making, and the ones I am signed up for this semester are calligraphic portraits, and site art/sculpture. http://chass.colostate-pueblo.edu/art/

And all in all, the people, and events in my life are shaping me into a person, Christian, mother, artist, and human being that I am excited to be. I am grateful for God's hand in my daily life, and to see that radiating into all corners of my human experience.

Thank you Lord!

Where's my candy?!?!?

2008-03-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

I realize quite distinctly how dependent I am on the sunshine for my mood. Not that I cannot be in a good mood without it, but that I don't have to try when it is here. Yesterday it was 72 degrees, and I took Zen (and 5 of his friends from the playgroup I started) to City Park to play on the playground. We had a picnic, and fed the geese. Then we went home, and I laid Zen down for his nap. After nap we went and flew the kite he got in his Easter basket, then went for pizza with a new friend.

I was just in a good mood, seemingly for no reason. And I realize that it is the sunshine.

Sun has always been like a symbol for God to me, even down to the fact that you can never look straight at it. Like the transcendentalist idea that God can never be understood by our human capabilities, and the sun can never be perceived by human eyes because the capabilities of the eye are not such to handle it. So when I see the sun, I always think of God, and to me, icky days feel more devoid of his presence.

So I went and bought 10 kites yesterday, so that all the kids can have one if we do a playgroup kite flying day or something. And this morning, Zen and I went out and tried to get the kites up, but we weren't blessed with the windy day we had yesterday.

Dad always used to put kites in our Easter baskets, in place of candy when he was with Dianne. I hated him for it. But now, I do it for Zen, too, and treasure it now that I am an adult. I wish I could have seen what he was trying to do, and not be so blinded by what I wanted. I suppose that God is working in a similar way, and that my reactions are still the same, though.

(With the shadow placemat)

2008-03-24T15:49:00.000-07:00

My windowsill garden died this week. My herbs and spices grew too big for the little planter I had them in, and I have nowhere to put a bigger one. It kinda feels like a metaphor. I have this clear vision of what I want in my life, a nice outline, with pictures saved in a folder on my computer. But it seems like if I am going to get there, that it is going to be the scenic route.

I wish that things fell into place when my heart needed them as desperately as it does lately. However, I must say that whereas I am not getting everything right now, things are not running in the other direction. I am grateful for that. Like this farm for instance, it is moving slowly, but in the right direction. I just wish that I could have these assurances, promises that if I am patient, God will get them to me eventually. It is so hard running on faith.

But I remember the verse that says "If your child asks for bread, would you give him a stone?" and whereas I don't know the address for it, or even the verbatim wording, it does help bring me comfort. And I pray that God realigns my desires to match his will. And that way, I will never be disappointed. (But I worry that it is kind of a selfish way to play it)

Relinquishing the driver's seat

2008-03-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

I wish that right now God could grant me a little more insight into his plans. For this divorce, for my career/school, and for Zen. It all feels very up-in-the-air right now, and it is hard. But I suppose that when there is nothing to grasp onto, it is God's way of teaching me to trust totally in him. It is hard. I like the idea of being in control, of knowing the route that life will take, and of having some say. This is possibly the greatest exercise of faith I have ever had to take, and I find myself wishing I could trade it off for something else. Instead of these things that are so important and consequential, if he could just take those things that seem somewhat irrelevant, if I could know what is going to happen with the big things in my life, I would feel safer. But it is all the little things, those inconsequential ones, that it seems he has left for me.

(It is just hard, being in the passenger seat all of a sudden)

Happy Easter to all!!

Almost Midnight

2008-03-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

Zen has been acting cranky lately, really clingy and needy. Sometimes I feel bad, because I shut the door when I go to the bathroom, just to get a minute or two to try to clear my head. Then tonight, he woke up, came into my room, and vomited all over my bed.

And then about an hour later, throws up all over his own bed. (Which I don't mind as much, because it is a lot easier to wash his sheets than to haul my king-sized down comforter to the laundromat *especially when it is covered in vomit*)

So, I am in general, sleep-deprived, and concerned about him. JaNyce says he is probably just teething, and I feel 2 molars cutting, so it is possible. It just is crappy to be up all night, and it is hard on him.

But I have an alarm clock set for 7 hours from now, so I had better hit the hay.